he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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