I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
