I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
