Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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