Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
