We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize