Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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