Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
