Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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