I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
