She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
