Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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