she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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