I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize