Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
