The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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