i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
