I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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