I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I am one with the molecules
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