i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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