My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
