I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
