just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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