They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
