I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
