I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
