I smell stomach acid.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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