Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize