Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
