Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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