I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
