he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Church boner. Awkwardddd
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
