Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Randomize
