I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
