My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
