Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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