Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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