my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
