i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
