I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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