do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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