you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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