Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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