don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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