I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
