go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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