Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
