There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize