how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
