Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
