Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
