possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
