If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
