Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
