me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
