You really coming over, don't trick.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
