i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
